red-headed slut...

2003-09-21T18:41:00.000-07:00

"so long, farewell..."

something has changed in me over the course of the weekend. a sort of wake-up call but it isn't just one thing. this may sound wacky but it feels like a bubble has been growing around me - almost like an aura of warmth. it feels safe - like i'm getting a huge spiritual hug.

i feel an overwhelming sense of love. it is in me and all around me. all these years, i think i've been too selfish, spoiled and scared to feel it. love is the sheer panic i felt when my best friend came home to find her 2 dogs had broken out of her yard and were missing. love is my mother nagging me about taking out my tongue piercing. love is connecting with an old boyfriend i adore and realizing he cares about me regardless of my age or weight or sex. love is me being able to stand up for my values and block out the negative influences trying to weaken me. love is looking into the mirror and honestly being proud of who i am.

i'm often told i don't give myself enough credit... well you know. i don't. i know i'm a wonderful, confident and strong person but obviously there must be something missing in me that forces me to fill my needs with meaningless sex. i don't want to do it anymore.

the last few years i've been reckless in so many ways that are not only unfulfilling and a waste of time, but are potentially dangerous to myself and others. i've abused food. i've abused alcohol. i've abused money. and now i abuse sex. f*cking instant gratification. things like an explosive orgasm or consuming a box of decadent cookies may make me happy in the moment but they do not contribute to my 'happiness'.

i can admit right now that it is all to protect myself. from feeling love. because with love comes hurt. and i've ran from that my whole life. no more. i'm ready to feel the pain lurking deep inside me. digging it up is the only way i'm going to heal and be the person i really want to be.

so with that said, this red-headed slut is retiring. thank you all for the good times & support but it's time for me to move on.
xoxo

2003-09-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

well i finally got the guts tonight to tell 'boy toy' that i didn't think we should sleep together anymore. i just insinuated that i've been getting more serious with someone else and didn't feel right having multiple partners. the irony huh? he's like 'you have my #'. so much for one last big bang... wasn't worth the effort. he was just creeping me out too much with his nonstop calling.

meanwhile i haven't even had a chance to try out those condoms... i've been fighting the flu and have been so preoccupied dealing with moving issues. part of me was ready to just sell all my furniture but i did the figures and it's cheaper to move it then replace it all. not much though... why does it cost SO much to get a moving company? it's like $2500 phoenix to vancouver! so i'm torn between a Uhaul (which requires someone to drive it for me which i don't have) and a company i found where you load/unload the truck but they drive it - called ABF U-Pack - anyone have any experience with them?

2003-09-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

i love this quote - it's from one of my new favorite trash tv shows 'nip/tuck' (think extreme makeovers meets melrose place'):

2003-09-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

"thou shalt not shop at target at lunch... "

waaay too much fun with all the cute clothes they have right now... but i DID finally purchase some of those polyurethane condoms you guys suggested trying out. my latex supply has FINALLY been used up so i figured i'll give them a shot (literally!). the ones i bought are called 'trojan supra' - they seem alot more expensive than the regular ones though ($3.59 for THREE!). i'll let you know what i think of them!

2003-09-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

"you know you're a slut when..."

you go out to see a f*ck buddy's band play with a group of friends... and you realize you've also had sex with all the guys you're there with.

although i like that i can be friends with ex-flings, things were a little weird last night. it was the first time i've partied with ex-b'friend (22yr old - together 4 months last year) in a long time and i think we would've hooked up again if i didn't get so drunk. stupidly we both said we loved each other... and honestly i do love him as a person - he's a great guy but just needs about 5 years on him.

2003-09-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

"my 3 guys in rotation..."

this is the longest i've consistently been able to maintain regular sex without being in a 'relationship'. it's working out quite well... but it's gonna be weird when it all just ends in 6 weeks. i'll have to start all over again... so i'm thinking i either need to phase one or more of them out. should i? which one should go? here's a summary:

"boy toy"

"football guy"

'woah - i told you i don't want to do the long distance thing. who knows, i might have a boyfriend or something'

"drummer boy"

anyway, so what do you guys think? should i just keep enjoying them all? between them, i get all my needs met. see this is why i need to find an 'open' relationship eventually.

2003-09-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

i just watched the latest 'newlyweds' and my lord, i feel sorry for that nick guy. he's married to the whiniest dumbest chick (ie jessica simpson)! what was he thinking? he's so sweet & patient but i'd have shot her by now if i were him. listen guys - not all girls are pouty manipulative brats.

meanwhile i have so much to blog about, i just haven't had a chance to really sit down & catch up on my recent activities. soon.

2003-09-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

i need to find a cheap web-hosting package (not more than $20/month) - all i really care about is that i need at least 100MB storage. any good recommendations?

2003-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

"what REALLY happens at bachelor parties?"

a good friend is getting married next month & her husband-to-be just had his bachelor party in vegas. she hasn't talked to him since he left friday & she is very distraught as she'd heard they were attempting to have the craziness of the movie 'very bad things' (let's hope without the murder). she's freaking out that he cheated with a stripper cause they had some private room for him and now she doesn't even want to touch him cause she thinks he's 'dirty'.

so i've been thinking about this all day... i don't really think he would cheat on her but i know how 'i' get, let alone how guys get with there's drugs, alcohol and the pressure of friends around them. so my question to you married (or divorced) males, how many of you actually DID cheat or get some kind of sexual pleasure at your bachelor party? if you did, i would assume you wouldn't tell your fiancee... but what if you knew your wife slept with a different guy on HER bachelorette party?

2003-09-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

"ugh i've had such a draining week..."

i don't know where time goes anymore. boy toy came over last night - he's an odd one... he's all for setting the mood. he brought an enigma cd and even gave me an amazing massage! doesn't he realize he doesn't HAVE to be all romantic for me to f*ck him? but i don't mind at all!

and i experienced my first obvious female ejaculation! it was so crazy! he was doing this intense thing with his fingers while giving me oral... he's got some good skills despite his youth. but there's some things he wasn't aware of - like the issue of pubic hair trimming. i had brought up its' necessity last week - lo & behold he was so proud to show me his work of art. lol it's still not short enough for my taste but it's a start. i'm also trying to get him to be more vocal cause he he's super quiet & i can never tell when he's coming. drives me nuts. i think it's a turn-on when they're groaning & quivering as they orgasm. if i haven't already climaxed, hearing & feeling the tension usually brings me over the edge.

btw, has anyone seen the red hot chilli peppers live? i'm debating if it's worth going or not...

2003-09-04T02:17:00.000-07:00

"the best phone sex evah"

so you know how i was talking earlier about ex-flings... well here's another: this guy i slept with back in canada last year (it was intense sex) & i have kept in touch via instant messenging - cyber flirting off and on between relationships. lately we've been getting more & more horny for each other and tonight he called me.

we talked for an hour skirting around the idea of phone sex. i'm not really shy about being vocal with some guys but we both felt a little awkward about it. so we kinda talked about what we'll do to each other when we meet up at christmas but then we got giggly & just said goodnight. about 10 minutes later, he called back saying that we really should 'finish ourselves off'. so here i am at almost 3am, in the afterglow of the most amazing phone sex orgasms (yes TWO) i've ever had.

geez when it rains, it pours. i really think there must be a vibe i'm sending off to males that i am available and as horny as hell. i've never received so much sexual attention as i have the last few months. maybe it's this blog and the fact that i'm now feeling completely open and at peace with my own intense sexuality... since i've began red-headed slut, i've discovered so many other people like me and i no longer feel any shame for living the vicarious sex life i chose to have. what a wonderful enlightenment! thanks everyone :)

2003-09-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

don't you find it interesting when you suddenly hear from an ex-fling? reminds me of high fidelity... when we go through breakups & find ourselves alone, we end up re-evaluating past relationships. geez what are we thinking? as if things would be different... people don't change.

2003-09-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

boy toy just called seemingly quite upset. said he had a bad night & asked if he could come over. i just need a night alone in my bed to have a decent sleep so said it wasn't a good idea tonight. he said he doesn't want to have sex but just needs to lay next to someone because he feels like he's 'drowning' but didn't want to discuss it. i felt so bad saying no to him cause he was almost in tears. i've only known him ONE WEEK though and it appears he's taking our fling a little too serious. i don't feel it's my responsibility to deal with his problems, i've got my own life to deal with. blech... am i being insensitive?

2003-09-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

"my name is red-headed slut & i am a sexaholic"

some people binge on food. some on alcohol. well this weekend, i binged on sex. i literally feel like my eyes are still rolling around in esctasy and my body is tingling from the aftershocks. ahhhhhh... who needs drugs when you can feel like this?!

anyway i had a wonderful saturday with football guy. went to the baseball with him & a couple of his friends. as usual i feel most at home hanging with guys drinking beer. he is a really sweet guy & treats me like i'm a queen. he had a barbecue at his house & i met a few of his friends. super fun time - he's just one of those guys who really wants to take care of a girl. we stayed up super late talking & then ended up in his bed, where you can guess what happened next. then the next day we lounged in his bed till late afternoon alternating eating, sleeping & f*cking. i feel like i've known him forever and he is SO boyfriend material. i'm not totally attracted to his face but we have some kind of vibe together. he knows i'm moving soon but wants to hang out until i do so we'll just enjoy it.

drummer boy wanted to hang out sunday night but i just couldn't do it. sleeping with 3 different guys in 3 days is pushing it, even for me. then yesterday i went out with one of my best gay friends for sushi then ended up at an irish pub with all his friends. the boy toy called cause he just got back from visiting his supposed girlfriend & wanted to come party with us. the gay guys loved him! then we were up till 4am f*cking. my poor neighbors.... my headboard was banging bigtime against the wall. if if they didn't hear it last night, i'm sure they heard us this morning. oh well... it's kinda funny. so now i need a few days to recover again.

2003-08-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

"does EVERYONE cheat?"

so the new 'boy toy' actually has a girlfriend who lives in tucson.... he didn't tell me this till AFTER we had sex. he downplayed her to kinda a girlfriend but that he dates other people. uh huh - likely story. anyway he called me a couple times yesterday cause he said he couldn't stop thinking about me. he didn't want to go see her but wanted to hang out with me again. kinda overwhelming considering... i just needed a relaxing night so didn't call him till later. but he came over around midnight and we were up ALL night. geez i guess i'm out of practice for marathon sex. i am soooooo sore and the damn condoms aren't helping. thankfully this guy is very skilled despite his youth... especially his oral which my head is still spinning from.

gotta get cleaned up for my big date with the football guy now - he's got tix for baseball game then having a barbecue at his place. it's like 45 mins away & he's actually coming to pick me up! he told me to bring my stuff to spend the night cause we'll be drinking. hehe let's see what kind of trouble we can get into *wink wink*

2003-08-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

"the 'madonna & britney kiss'... what a f*cking turn on!"

so that tall 22-year old i met the other night called yesterday & came over to watch the MTV video music awards... well we ended up making up like horny high school kids.

i won't go into details but he officially became #53. i just love young guys - they are so much more virile and exciting. i called him my new 'boy toy' which he seemed to like. he spent the night and the creepy thing is that he sleep talks. like loudly and suddenly. woke me up a few times scaring the bejeezus out of me. haha oh well the price to pay for some hot action.

2003-08-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

2003-08-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

"ROTFLMAO"

spam takes a whole new turn... check out the email i received today:

Hello

I am a 'generously proportioned' male (375 pounds) with a less than generous penile length (4 inches erect). I seek a vendor of quality inflatable sheep who can give away free samples as I am unemployed.

Best regards

2003-08-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

"go get dressed! get outta my bed - now find your way home! go!"

the danger of beer goggles... has this happened to you? how do you get rid of a one-night stand the next morning... any good stories?

reminds me of one of my current fave songs by presence called 'tonz of fun':

how shallow can a man be
i borrowed this story from a friend - now an enemy
'cause no friend of mine would ever cross the line
and disrespect a lady of any kind

stranger in my bed - can't recall last night
that's why i'm sleepin' with carney wilson's head
oh god - got to wash my nuts
i've done it once again

go go get dressed - get outta my bed
now find your way home
go

lucky to have survived
she was more than twice my size
big is beautiful but i'm just a small guy
and i could break under the weight of her thighs
maybe now i should quit my drinkin'
what was i thinkin'
oh god - i've done it once again

i had the beer goggles strapped on
passed out - face down - naked on the lawn
awakened by the vibration of the earth shaking
the type of girl that literally brings home the bacon
in my state of mind i was hers for the taking
it seems she was interested in some lovemaking
"do you know jay slim, i heard he was hung"
it was then that i knew we were in for wang chung
she grabbed my car keys - my ID
we dipped in between sips of schlitz
she kept lickin' her lips
i couldn't tell if that meant she wanted my dick
or to drive-thru KFC for another drumstick

i feel so ashamed - no one to blame but myself
i've done it once again

how shallow can a man be
he must be too blind to see
that he's bleeding insecurities
and she cries…

2003-08-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

"ok i think i've got my mojo back...."

drummer boy has been sooooooo rocking my world... i couldn't have a better setup than this: one guy to wine & dine me, another to f*ck with no strings. but of course it's still fun to go out & flirt.

we went to the 'powerman 5000' show last night & geez there were so many cute guys! i ended up smooching this super tall, like 6'7" 22 year old. i think we're hooking up on thursday. plus i met a few others i gave my # to. i wish i could have a full-time job flirting with boys... maybe i need to consider some kind of sex-related job for when i move to van. i'm GOOD at it and it's fun. they say do what you love for a living right? seriously like an escort or something... if i'm gonna have sex anyway, why not get paid for it?

2003-08-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

i just had a very cool 12 hour date with football guy... but he came in for abit when taking me home & hardly made a move. i tried to initiate some making out but he said he had to go. oh well... then i checked messages and saw drummer boy called 4 times today. called him back just now. said i was horny and that he should come over. he's on his way!!!! hehe... i feel kinda bad after spending all day with a different guy but he didn't 'deliver'. i really need a raunchy night of sex! i can't wait to be 'fulfilled'.

2003-08-23T01:31:00.000-07:00

"awwwwww freak out!"

i'm home on friday night glued to VH1 watching the 'i love the 70s' marathon. i didn't think this series could be as cool as the 'i love the 80s' but the sad thing is that i REMEMBER & feel reminiscent about these 70s things. UNDERALLS! bah i guess i'm getting old huh? actually i did go to happy hour earlier but faltered after 2 beers. saving all my energy for tomorrow - get this i'm going to a wedding reception with the football guy - should be an interesting second date (he was embarrassed asking but had noone else to go with). maybe i should consider a career as a professional escort? hmmmmm in all seriousness maybe i should. haha.

so anyway what's YOUR favorite 70s memory? i loved 'three's company', saturday morning cartoons (the only time WE got cartoons) and my first electronic game 'merlin'.

2003-08-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

"i am so sick of computers i could scream"

but i feel like writing despite sitting in front of a monitor for 13 hours straight today. what was i thinking when i went into a technology career? ok ok so i'm a tiny bit of a geek... i'm still a fun social geek that knows there's way more to life than work. like sex hehe - which i'm blasphemously deprived of right now.

anyway point of blogging: i've been catching up on the 'queer as folk' season 2 episodes. and i get so turned on watching the sex scenes with 2 guys. i don't care if they're gay. i just find it totally erotic. this goes back to my threesome thing... i think it would've been so much more fun if the 2 guys had f*cked each other as well.

so how does a girl go about finding this? do i need to search out some bisexual guys? where? i'm not going to actively seek it, but if it were to fall upon me, i'd be very pleased. drummer boy has mentioned a couple times that he knows a few guys that would love to join in with us but i doubt they'd be into boy-on-boy action.

how to approach this one? i know so many of you have such open sex lives & i'm curious how you find partners of either sex you're attracted to etc who are on the same wavelength.

2003-08-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning to a dream that i was hanging out with madonna & some hot scruffy guy. suddenly madonna & i were laying on the floor, about to make-out in front of the guy..... DAMN ALARM CLOCK woke me up. arrggghh!! i rarely have sex dreams and now i'll never know what was gonna happen. anyone have any good x-rated dreams to share?

2003-08-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

"ok so i haven't had sex in 2 weeks..."

like i said, i haven't been feeling very sexual lately. i'm not too concerned - i'm sure it will come back with a vengeance soon. i had my last gyno visit today so hopefully that will bring the end of this 'dry spell'. drummer boy wanted to come over last night but i didn't think it'd be a good idea since i had the official cervical biopsy today - didn't want to skew the results. also, i think the fact that i only have 2 months left here in arizona have put my energies less on hooking up - rather i'm focusing on my impending move back to canada.

to sink: i may be a slut, but i'm a slut with very high standards. i don't sleep with just anyone and am not utterly disappointed when i don't get laid. sorry boys. hehe!

meanwhile yes mikey, i'm waiting to make you #53.

2003-08-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

"can i just say how much i LOVE boys!!"

we went to lollapalooza yesterday & there was just a huge smorgasboard of cute young things... i was a 'good' girl but met one particular boy, i think he's 23 and just visiting until tomorrow, that i so wanted to molest. on the crowded car ride home, i got to sit on his lap and he had his arm around me in a seductive way. then his friends got him a taxi cause he had to work early so i was denied any further flirtation. baaah.

now the dilemma is what to do tonight...
option 1: i was invited to an old coworker's birthday but it's at an arcade which i'm not in the mood for right now and they haven't even told me what time so i may diss it altogether.
option 2: football-guy invited me to a barbecue party at his place but i said i was busy cause he lives like 45mins away & chances are high i'd crash there & end up sleeping with him. we have a date tomorrow anyway which i might cancel too cause i'd rather hang with drummer boy for our sunday tryst
option 3: there is also a keg party where the cute 23 yr old will be so i'm thinking i may have to make an appearance to potentially have my way with him.
option 4: stay home & read magazines

what do you think i should do.... i'm leaning towards option 3.

at any rate, i'm feeling hungover & think i may indulge in a carl's jr six dollar restaurant burger. f*ck that it's a mere 949 calories... if i can get an intense sex session in this weekend, i will at least work half that off.

2003-08-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

"internet stalking..."

"78% of women polled said they've googled a love interest. only 28% of men have done the same".

when my friends & i meet new guys we're interested in, we totally search his name and/or email online. does everyone really do this too? i've found out some crazy stuff by doing these searches... this one guy i slept with last year - i searched his name & the city where he grew up - found all these newspaper articles & court records of when he was in high school & his friends raped & murdered a girl. he was called to the trial as a witness. interesting stuff.... but kinda scary.

do you guys and girls, as bloggers, worry about having so much info (and photos) about yourself online?

2003-08-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

"chronology of your guaranteed one-night stand"

i was just catching up on magazines & came across this 'shame-free guide to one-night stands' in jane magazine. here's one blurb i just had to share:

1:00pm:
from this point on, avoid eating anything that could cut your mouth - like tortilla chips, hard pretzels and cereals with picutres of sea captains on the box - to help minimize the chance of STD infection. the sexuality experts at the university of california, santa barbara, take it further, advising you to not brush your teeth before unprotected oral sex because of the "millions of cuts that are caused." even though we know you won't be having unprotected oral sex.

8:00pm:
shower, but no need to shave (once they get that far, they're not turning back). apply tons of long-lasting makeup.... gargle, then go to the bar closest to your house and start working your sleaze magic.

9:30pm:
ask to see your new friend's business card, keep it, then sneak off to the restroom with your phone. "call a friend and tell them who you're hooking up with or leave the info on your voice mail at work... just make sure it's someplace a person who may want to terminate you will not be able to access." the goal is definitely not to get terminated.

10:15pm:
back at the house, begin groping. have your fun. rinse. repeat.

2003-08-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

"not-so-wonderful news..."

well i guess i shouldn't have been soooooo excited about my healthy test results after all... the dr just called that my pap test came back abnormal.

this has been an ongoing ordeal:
all through college, my pap tests were abnormal: cervical dysplasia 1. then about 3 years ago, it moved to level 2 so i had to have a colposcopy which is a biopsy. then i had to have paps every 3 months & i think the next couple were regular. last year, i was back to abnormal level 3 so i had to have another colposcopy. biopsy showed it was level 4 pre-cancerous. so last january, i had to have a surgical procedure (LEEP) done where they use an electrical charge to burn the cells. the gyno said it had been cervical cancer but that they got it all. yuk. that was kind of shocking. so i kept going for paps every 3 months and was happy to have 2 normal ones in a row.

but now the dysplasia is back AGAIN. i have another biopsy on thursday so there's not much i can do but wait. i am so scared that this time it is more serious. cervical cancer IS extremely curable but it could mean a hysterectomy, or chemotherapy (worse case scenario). even though i don't really want to have kids now, the thought of knowing i'll never physically be able to saddens me.

the weird thing is i keep testing negative for HPV which, from what i've researched, is usually the cause of cervical dysplasia. who knows... i sometimes even wonder if the doctors are just trying to make money and it's really not as serious as they make it out to be. anyway i just had to get this off my chest :)

do any of you girls have similar experiences to share?

2003-08-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

"wonderful news!"

i got a call back from the doctor's office that all my STD tests were negative!! HOOORAAY! i officially have a PWP (pristine white pussy)! not that i thought i had anything but it sure is nice knowing for sure. now it's YOUR turn - go out & get yourselves tested :)

i haven't felt at all sexual this past week, probably because of the anxiousness of awaiting the test results. even though i love intercourse and all the stuff that comes along with it, i'm really questioning if it's worth sleeping around with guys i hardly know to get it. this whole disease thing is creeping me out. it's tough enough when you're 'IN' a relationship to trust your partner is faithful, let alone when it's a random f*ck-buddy. but my sexual needs have to be fulfilled somehow and vibrators can get damn monotonous. dilemma is i don't necessary WANT a boyfriend cause of all the bullshit that goes along with it. what's a poor lil' slut like me supposed to do?!!

2003-08-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

"no action for me..."

busy weekend but sadly i didn't get any crazy sex play. oh well, had a wonderful time catching up with people i haven't seen in awhile and celebrating one of my friends birthdays in scottsdale. i have a few new numbers in my cell so obviously i met a few guys i was semi-interested in.

i gotta stop giving out the # though. there's just no point, esp when i'm moving soon. had about 3 unidentified calls today which i avoided. oh did i mention that the cop guy called again saying something like 'you're not returning my calls & you don't have to hit me on the head to get the point across that you're not interested - but if you are free tonight, i would still love to get together...' i didn't call him back. feel kinda bad but guys, like 't' (who i actually liked) do it to me. not that 2 wrongs make a right...

drummer boy & i didn't get a chance to hook up this weekend. we could've yesterday but it was waaaaaay too early in the morning. NOONE, not even one promising an explosive orgasm, can mess with my precious sleeping-in-till-noons.

i still feel exhausted though - i just need one more day to get caught up on my life. at least i saw a couple very entertaining movies... finally went to 'american wedding', which i liked despite the horrible reviews. and 'freaky friday' which was just pure fun.

2003-08-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

"that toni girl gets around..."

she's already a reality-show whore ('paradise hotel' & last summers 'love cruise') but geez get this... i was reading the new issue of 'marie claire' last night and there was this article on bare butts, complete with closeup naked pics of maybe 12 girls asses. then on the next page, you see their whole body and guess who was one of them... TONI.

that girl must have one helluva an agent or something. i just don't get her appeal - physically she's buff but i wouldn't say she's anywhere near 'attractive' and her personality, at least on-screen, is downright scary. am i missing something?

2003-08-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

"to quote wicked jezebel, i want to prove i have a pristine white pussy (PWP)"!

well obviously i'm more than a little promiscious so i do have to worry about the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases... i've always thought it'll never happened to me cause in all my slutty years, it hasn't yet. i usually get tested every year but i'm not sure if they've done ALL the tests. and believe me, i've stupidly had some very unsafe sex in the past few months so am a little nervous. but i went today and asked for EVERY STD test: hepatitis B & C, HIV, HPV, herpes, etc... so hopefully in a week i'll be assured i'm clean.

2003-08-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

"so you know how i was bitching about friday's late-night call... "

i had saved the message & had to go through them all so just listened to it awake. realized it wasn't the guy i thought it was - there were actually 3 guys there with the same name. j1 had asked for my # so i'd programmed that in as him. j2 was the guy i made out with on the couch. well on the message it HAS to be j2 who says he's using his buddy's phone. not that any of you care - i just find it humorous that it really was a booty.

i need to take a break from all this dating i think.... it's just too much work to keep them all straight. meanwhile i'm avoiding the cop guy's calls. he just doesn't give up & i'm sensing stalker tendencies. i'm curious if he could possibly find out personal info about me just from my first name & cell #. anyone know if police can track you down that easy?

2003-08-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

"to quote lou reed..."

just a perfect day, drink sangria in the park
and then later when it gets dark, we go home

just a perfect day, feed animals in the zoo
then later a movie, too, and then home

oh, it's such a perfect day, i'm glad i spent it with you
oh, such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on

just a perfect day, problems all left alone
weekenders on our own, it's such fun

just a perfect day, you made me forget myself
i thought i was someone else, someone good

oh, it's such a perfect day, i'm glad i spent it with you
oh, such a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on

i feel utterly blissful right now - so many reasons. had such a constructive weekend catching up things i've wanted to do forever - didn't go out partying. worked out lots, ate super healthy, got lots of sleep... and experienced amazing sex.

drummer boy called today around noon from work & i was still relaxing in bed, so desiring a guy next to me. i told him i wished he wasn't working so he could come over & let me suck his cock. no kidding that he called back 10 minutes later saying he just left work with the excuse he had an upset stomach and was on his way over. haha. he walked in & we immediatley got kissing & groping passionately. gave him a blowjob while he was still standing in the entrance. then we had the most intense sex, allover the house. then went out for dinner & had such a fun time out of bed as well. came back for more sex & a nap together & it was just so luxuriously lazy and indulgent. he's at practice now & coming back soon. mmmmmmmmm i am so damn lucky.

2003-08-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

"i'm not one to diss booty calls but..."

i do NOT appreciate booty calls at 4:43am. actually it might not have even been a booty call, just a drunken mistake though he did leave a message. that's just disrespectful. when the phone rings in the middle of the night, i panic. when my dad died, i got a call in the middle of the night and i can't explain the fear it stirs in me (i do usually turn off the ringer at night now)...

anyway i don't even KNOW this guy. met him about a month ago at a late-night house party & not sure why i gave him my #. we've been playing phone tag cause he's a connection to a guy BF really liked and a possible hookup for drugs. but i don't think i want to pursue this further... only if he calls during normal hours.

2003-07-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

i just read that bacchus tried my suggestion about the baby oil gel... sorry i didn't really notice it smelled like babies (i've never had or been around one). i think i was just focusing my sensual-stimulations on touch, not smell. my apologies. actually there might be other scents, like lilac or something.

2003-07-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

"it's been a shitty day..."

i got a migraine while driving to work which pissed me off. what happens if i keep getting these when i'm doing makeup on a film set? what can you do though? i slept the day away then had to go to the dentist. i LOVE how wonderful have freshly polished teeth feels... but i wasn't happy to hear that not only do i need another root canal, i need another old filling replaced and 3 crowns. a little sketchy imo.

anyway then i had a date planned with another speeddater - i wanted to cancel but have already procrastinated with. so i went cause it was for sushi (again). i didn't even remember what he looked like & almost walked up to the wrong guy till he waved me over. he just is not my type... i think he's like 36, divorced and very chatty. he kept asking me things like my favorite color or what 3 cds i'd want on a deserted island. very contrived. didn't have anything in common with him. plus he ate his sushi with HIS FINGERS. he said he 'didn't care to learn how to use chopsticks'. oh my... i think he expected to go out somewhere after but i said i was tired. avoided any kiss-possibility with a handshake. ugh... sad thing is that 'drummer boy' had called earlier wanting to hook up but when i called him back, he was already home & he lives like 1/2 hr away. bahhh i really could've used some lovin' tonight... oh well maybe tomorrow.

so what do you guys expect on a first date? really be honest... what are your expectations at the end of the night? do you expect at least a kiss? or believe there's a chance you'll get laid? if you get denied either does it irk you, esp if you've paid?

2003-07-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

"i'm loving paradise hotel..."

the cop cancelled tonight's date cause of the 'heavy rain' and poor windshield wipers - nice excuse but i didn't mind at all...

anyway tonight's episode was pretty crazy. i feel sorry for the new guy keith - it IS just a game & he's playing it well. annoys me that the original crowd is on their high-horse. as if they're really all 'best friends'... screw that amy bitcch-chick. i'm SO routing for the charla/dave/keith alliance. this show may be pure smut, but it's also sociologically-fascinating

2003-07-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

"hectic dating week - 1 of 3"

went out with a different speed-dater last night. i wasn't too excited for it except to dine at my favorite sushi place. didn't even shave my legs haha. but he was cool - very tall & big. we had alot in common anyway - we're both only children so we giggled about our selfish tendencies & desire to have our OWN popcorn at the movies. smooched abit when he walked me to my car but nothing serious. think we'll go out again - he already mentioned friday but that seems so soon.

tonight is the date with the cop i met last week at the 'dave matthews' show. he seems a little scary in that he's called semi-obsessively already. i do NOT need a stalker, esp one that carries a gun. plus he's got major baggage with a couple ex-wives & kids. but hey i'm open to giving chances to people so we'll see...

2003-07-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

hey i just noticed i am now listed on www.web-goddess.net. how cool! thanks to whoever suggested me :)

2003-07-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned how wonderful this product is? you HAVE to run out & get a tube of johnson's baby oil gel.

if you use it as a lubricant when giving hand jobs, i guarantee you will please you partner like never before. it just has the perfect consistency, isn't too greasy and doesn't dry up! plus it's amazing as a moisturizer for yourself as well :)

2003-07-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

ok i know i've said this before about guys i think of as sex-toys then they become so much more of a deeper connection... well drummer boy & i are going through this. tonight we talked 90% more than we f*cked. he understands what i'm going through with the family issues & is opening up about his own past. maybe it's the theory that guys get strippers or hookers just so they can 'talk' to someone - geez am i putting myself in that category (where is the $$ then?! kidding.).

anyway, i'm having alot of troubles with condoms... i swell up so much he can't even get into me - is this something others experience? he swore he's not sleeping with anyone else & neither am i, so we're both going to get tested this week for all STD's so we can have sex safely without latex.

btw, update on the early-ejaculator who i actually liked: he hadn't called me back for over a week so i left a message saturday saying hello, wondering what was up cause i hadn't heard from him. he called back right away saying that he's just been 'busy' and that he totally wants to still hang out. but hasn't called back again to make any plans. BF thinks i overwhelm him. whatever - i think "he's just not that into me".

2003-07-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

meawhile there's a family crisis going on... my birth mother (who is more like a sister) supposedly just got 'engaged' to this guy who she swore she'd never marry. i guess she didn't exactly say 'yes' to him but she took the damn ring. so the rest of the family is freaking out & will disown her if she does. what a mess.

2003-07-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

"heinous or forgivable?"

well he just emailed an apology for last night:

".... I apologize for leaving abruptly last night.... We started drinking way too early and I hit my limit way too early. I do not like being out and about like that and I try not to let that happen. Between that and my friend having some sort of fit it was becoming one of those nights. I figured he would start moving in on you and I have forced myself to be non-confrontational in situations like that. I guess I was upset I wasnt getting more of your attention either but looking back on it, the alcohol didn't help. I hope you had a good rest of the night and your friends both seemed nice."

i don't know what to think. i'm not gonna reply & say all is cool cause that's just not acceptable behavior. but at the same time, i understand what it's like when you just get so drunk you're out of control (not that it makes it ok to act like a spoiled brat) and i've enjoyed the time i've spent with him otherwise. what do you guys think?

2003-07-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

"things are never as they seem..."

well 'muscular speeddater' showed his true colors tonight. maybe he was just drunk but i saw an immature possessive side of him that i want no part of. kinda sad when you actually think someone has it all together then *poof* it all blows up on you.

we met him & his friends tonight at a lounge. i didn't realize he was as drunk as his friends said he was. he just got weird... he was quite touchy-feely and i had to say i didn't feel comfortable with PDA which led to the first of his poutiness. then he wanted to just leave & go eat pizza in his hottub. he got into a heated discussion with his friend then started in on me about how i wasn't giving him my full attention. that he wanted 100% of my attention which freaked me cause as i told him, we're out with friends at a bar... i can't give you that & never will be able to when i'm out. more pouting and tension with his friend which eventually led to his disappearance. didn't see him the rest of the night but we were left with his 2 friends and his drinks on our tab. whatever...

2003-07-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

i guess my comments haven't been working... yuk. so i'm trying a different one now by haloscan. don't use the old ones - i left them cause i don't wanna lose all of them - want to move them over if i have time this weekend but i think it's a boring cut/paste job.

2003-07-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

"since we're on the topic of vanity..."

did anyone watch 'nip/tuck' last night on FX?!! i was appalled and riveted all at the same time...

2003-07-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

"the infomercial suckered me in..."

has anyone tried the proactiv skin care line? i just ran out of my current cleanser & moisturizer but want to try something new instead of going back to super-pricey aveda.

i had acne when i was younger & did the whole dermatologist spiel: antibiotics, topical creams, retin-a, accutane 3x, etc. so i'm skeptical this product could really work as well as it says it does. my skin is ok now but i still get bad breakouts once in awhile & loathe my large pores. was reading up on newsgroups and the consensus seems to think proactiv works well. hey if judith light and vanessa williams testify how wonderful it is...

2003-07-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

"i just had one of the best dates..."

went out with one of the speed-daters again, the muscular one (june 27 post). saw 'pirates of the caribbean'. he was so excited to eat the cookies he's been raving about for days... then we held hands like high school kids. went back to his place & cuddled on the couch. this guy should be a motivational speaker... he totally inspires me to be a better person. we discussed so many things, from philosophy of religion to lucid dreaming. he's like me... i think we both get judged on our external when inside there is so much more that people never expect or want to see. and our bodies just fit together well. he massaged my back & neck, stroking my hair telling me that i was beautiful. it was really sweet. but who knows, he could say that to all the girls he goes out with. see, that's the bitter me that doesn't trust anyone... how does one get over this? is this the reason i keep using guys for sex and instant gratification?

will i ever change? do i want to? right now i have my cake & am eating it too. but tonight i remembered what it was like to feel loved for ME - it's been awhile... like since my 5-year relationship ended 4 years ago - and i just got a glimpse of the real possibility it could happen again one day.

2003-07-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

a friend brought up a something i've never thought about until today...

her guy has a piercing through the top of his penis, so he isn't able to wear condoms because it just pokes a hole through, rendering them useless. would you girls still sleep with him anyway? knowing me, i probably would just cause i wanna see if those piercings really make any difference. just something to ponder...

2003-07-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

"if i ever get married... "

i don't know if i ever will cause i don't know if i really believe in it. i've never really fantasized about a dream wedding or anything cause i always thought i'd just elope. but when i'd first heard this 'jimmy eat world' song a couple years ago, i knew i wanted it played at my wedding. i want it to be nighttime, with candles all around 2 pictures of my dad and nana, the two people i adored and left my life way too early, and this song played right before i walk up to my say vows.

There's no one in town I know. You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that. I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now, So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that, Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go. May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now, So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that, Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go. May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in. Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go. May angels lead you in.

2003-07-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

all day i've had this silly eye twitch. it's driving the hell out of me... what are they caused from? i thought it was lack of sleep but i had plenty of that this weekend. i just wanna rip it out!

ugh that reminds me of this crazy movie i just watched called 'may'. it was very disturbing but yet i really felt sympathetic to the main character's sadness and desperation. it was almost satiric in the same way my fave gregg araki films are (ie: doom generation, nowhere) but with a more chilling beauty to it. anyway if you like semi-depressing gore that actually pulls at your heart strings, i'd highly recommend it.

2003-07-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

drummer boy & i had a perfectly fun time yesterday. we just hung out enjoying blowjobs & sex with breaks for beer & burgers. BF hinks this will make him fall in love with me. haha. is this really every guy's fantasy girl? i think it's just cause i don't have any expectations for a relationship that makes me super attractive right now. actually this guy is pretty cool - we actually got to know each other better. he was a little miffed i didn't come to see his band play the night before but i had noone to go with & wouldn't be a groupie by myself.

anyway we were making out outside on the patio & he took off my clothes which made me feel a little uncomfortable cause i know i watch MY neighbors sometimes. and even though it was dark, i'm sure they are just as snoopy (especially that nosey woman with the ugly weiner dog who once told me that i bring home too much take-out and should learn to cook! the nerve...). plus i believe i've replaced the girl next door as 'the hoochie' so i dragged him insde & we brought out the digital camera and took a ton of graphic pics. i'd never done that before but it was quite a turn-on, posing as a porn-star. thankfully they are in my possession only. and no, you want be seeing any of them posted here, so don't even ask *wink wink*

2003-07-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

well the threesome boy i ran into at subway called me yesterday. too funny - BF even predicted this. it's been over a year since we've hooked up and he thinks he can get right back in there?!

"so... here's my threesome story"

since i could remember, i've always fantasized about being with 2 (or more) guys at the same time. just me and boys showering me with sexual attention... so i began the actual search to make this a reality maybe 4 years ago. well it was NOT easy.
1. guys do NOT want to be naked next to another male.
2. guys do not want to share.

at one point, i'd get my roommate to try flirt with the friend of the guy i was hooking up with, in hopes that when we brought them home, she'd go to bed and leave both with me. it never worked. they'd just freak out & bail.

then last year, i'd ended up meeting a group of guys. i was hooking up with one of them & i think he asked me about what i fantasized about. so i said i wanted to be with 2 guys at once. lo & behold, he approached this other guy who actually agreed to the idea.

we went back to the one guys house where we awkwardly sat on the couch, me in the middle. #1 started kissing me then #2 started touching my breasts, then they both kind of alternated undoing my pants & fingering me. i was in esctasy. moved into the bedroom, where it got crazy. #1 was the aggressor, while #2 was more the sensitive one. basically one stayed more at the top while one at the bottom, then they would switch. they were a little paranoid about touching each other accidentally so that kept it pretty safe. meanwhile i actually felt overwhelmed. i like to 'give' sexually and i honestly felt like i couldn't give them both the attention needed. i was so worried if i touched #1 too much or gave his dick too much attention, #2 would feel bad. i couldn't just relax and enjoy all the sensations. at one point i did kinda lose myself when i was on top of #2 with him inside me, while #1 was behind me with some anal action. ahhh memories.... i could hardly walk the next day.

although i'm promiscious, this was probably the craziest i've ever gotten. i don't think i could deal with group sex because as hypocritical as it might seem, i do enjoy the one-on-one closeness of sex (can you say 'intimacy issues'?!!).

meanwhile i kept up sexual relationships with both guys separately for a couple months. it was kinda cool to just be able to fulfill needs with no ties. #1 and i became kinda close & keep in touch though he moved away. well #2 was the guy i ran into yesterday... he's short and not my type at all. so when he called & said he wanted to ask if he could call but wasn't sure if i had a boyfriend, i said i was dating someone so if we hung out, it couldn't be a sexual thing. thinking that was all he wanted, i was surprised when he asked if we could go for dinner or drinks. sorry but that just doesn't seem like an option for a former f*ck buddy. i said i was at work & would call back later. i won't call.

2003-07-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

it's a good thing i have 'drummer boy' to balance out the issues with 't'. we have another play date set for sunday woohoo! marathon sex - intertwined with loud punk music - i can't wait! he told me tonight he can't stop thinking about how hot the sex is with me and that i give the best blowjobs. teehee!

2003-07-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

"ooops he did it again..."

last night 't' & i had a nice dinner & watched a movie together all snuggly on the couch. then we went to bed & just started a little making out. i moved my hand down to touch his dick and felt major wetness. he had already cum. we had hardly been kissing!

any sexual excitement i had just fizzled out. i really like the guy but this is odd. and in no way am i meaning to sound like i'm making fun of him for this or being insensitive or mean by discussing it here. it's never happened to me before & i just don't understand!! it takes all the fun out of making out and at this rate, we'll never get to actual intercourse.

'hpspud' commented that "he may find you so hot that he unloads without physical contact" (thank you btw) which i am going to tell myself for now. i suppose if this is true, i should be flattered. i was looking up some site on premature ejaculation etc. but that doesn't solve the issue though cause we're not at an emotional level where i feel comfortable discussing this. ideas?

2003-07-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

forgot to blog that today at lunch we went to subway, where i ran into one of the guys i had a threesome with last year. we're on decent chatty terms but it was still awkward. too small a world that i can't enjoy a tuna sub in peace... i'm too sick of the computer to tell you about the whole threesome experience now. maybe tomorrow as a kick start for the day...

2003-07-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

"i MUST become a record-company scout..."

it drives me nuts when i hear a band years before they become mainstream & over-played... does anyone remember me talking about my 'good charlotte' boys back in 2000? anyway, right now, it's the starting line, whose cd i got last july or august, cause i found this great song 'best of me'. well lo-and-behold... i just saw the video played on mtv as a brand-spanking new hit. argghh... at least the video was cool - using the boombox serenade theme from 'say anything'.

2003-07-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

ozzy uttering the word 'schmegma' (aka dick cheese) on the preview for the next 'osbournes' made me gag... literally. ew dick cheese. ew ew.

2003-07-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

you might recall i was bitching last week about how 't' dissed me... i just realized i didn't tell you about his coming (literally) over on the weekend. he showed up with a bottle of wine & we just watched tv then he fell asleep so i said he could stay over. we just cuddled - NO sex. not yet cause i still wanna have sex with 'drummer boy' (who oddly enough has taken to calling me throughout the day with nothing to say & not even a booty expectation).

so in the morning we were kinda screwing around but i hadn't even 'touched' his dick yet and he said calmly 'i'm gonna cum in my pants' (he had boxers on). and cum he did. was kinda funny cause he's 30 and i haven't had that happen since high school. it was cool though - he wasn't embarrassed - plus his fingers were magical and that's all i really cared about at that moment. just better not mean he can only last like 2 minutes inside me. btw, does this happen often to other guys who are over 20 & whose name isn't forrest gump?

anyway i tried to make it clear to him that i'm a busy girl (huuuuuuge exaggeration cause i'm such a homebody!!) and that i don't appreciate when people say they'll do something then you sit there waiting only to be disappointed that your time was wasted. obviously he got the point cause he just called to say he really wanted to see me again & asked if we could make a date for dinner on wednesday and that he would call me tomorrow to make plans.

baahaha - as dr phil says 'you teach people how to treat you'.

2003-07-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

i LOVED the 'sex & the city' episode tonight...

although i think it should've been named "reality vs the unreal fantasies females build in their silly heads". although it started off with major gagginess re: the 'i love you' thing, it led into how one must deal with the reality of what comes after the starry-eyed phase of a relationship... samantha's not being able to deal with her boy toy's actual problems... charlotte's embarrassing freak-out about getting married... but the best was miranda's wake-up call to the fact that if a guy's not returning calls or making excuses, it's as simple as 'he's not into you'. and when she tries to enlighten the young girls she hears chatting about a fickle guy, she's called a 'bitch'.

haha maybe it's an age thing but i feel like it is (to quote oprah) an 'a-ha' moment... if a guy isn't willing to give me 100%, he isn't interested in ME so i'm gonna move on & find someone who is. (exception is guys i'm just using for sex) but *sigh*, the hypocrite i am... if only we could ALL just realize this fact & not waste time with the goofballs & idiots that we pine over & overanalyze every conversation & word they say...

btw, i just found a fun new blog: erosblog.

2003-07-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

i'm kind of in a predicament... drummer boy & 't' are both within the same social circle. i half expected this but didn't realize the reality until tonight when 't' said he was at the video shoot of a band that plays with drummer boys band. ugh... not that i really am concerned cause one is just sex, one is more cuddling. but still, i'm walking a fine line & feel that some drama could erupt if i i'm not careful. should i tell them each that i'm dating someone they potentially know?

2003-07-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

oh my - i just had the best phone sex ever. who knew a saturday afternoon call from an old f*ck buddy could be so completely satisfying?! and the cool thing is he's moving to vancouver in the fall too & suggested we get an apt together. this guy is so HOT - i'd post a pic but gotta keep things anonymous. whew i need recovery time now.

2003-07-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

drummer boy is my new favorite sex toy... he has more stamina than any guy i've ever been with! 't' did call back last night - at 11:30!! i didn't answer of course cause i was occupied.

btw, i'm loving the new liz phair cd & have to share some lyrics that speak to me:

"Bionic Eyes"

...I watch the years go by
These are the same old guys I never had any use for
Beyond the feeling of pleasure
Or the thrill of the fight

I scored again last night
I said thanks for the drinks, nice party
Then I turned out the light

I've got timing and attitude
That can get to the baddest dude
That's when I hypnotize them
With my bionic eyes

As I got older I had to step out of the lines
And make up my own mind
As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board
I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever

It's easy in the beginning
When I can dazzle them
All night
Make 'em do what you wan' 'em to
Get 'em running after you
It's just the same old guys
Wearing the same old ties

If there's a parallel nation
And I'm a secret weapon
Show me a man you cannot break
And I will show you heaven...

2003-07-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

just annoyed so need to rant for a minute... 't' and i made plans to do something tonight after my henna design course - he said to call as soon as i was done at 8 and we'll meet up. so i called him & he's out watching some bands play with his friends. said he'd be there for awhile since the next band doesn't go on until 10. pisses me off cause i WAS looking forward to seeing him and obviously he wasn't. he just kinda brushed it off like he'll call me when he's done there. screw that... so i called drummer boy to see what he was doing (since i got ready earlier & was hyped to at least get some kind of makeout session). HE seemed thrilled to do something (and i'm guaranteed to have sex) so he's coming over now. big strike one for 't' which is sad cause i actually liked the guy. but noone disses me like this when they're supposed to be 'courting' me.

2003-07-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

"weekly tally: kissed 3 guys... f*cked one of them"

well i'm back... it's been a crazy wild week for me mentally & physically. you know how when it rains, it pours? well that's my boy situation at the moment. almost too many to keep track of - but i'm loving it.

have a couple of the speed-daters in the background though i don't really have a spark with them, they have money to take me out to dinner etc ;) with few expectations. i'm still smitten with the new boy (i'll call him 'T') i met last week and we've hung out a few times but in groups so have just smooched a little but i get that body tingle when i'm with him which is cool. plus he's a smart, witty guy who i actually enjoy TALKING to.

my bf's 30th birthday celebration kept us drunk & drug-enduced for almost a full-day. not sure what was up but i ended up snuggling with a 22-yr old on a strange couch (nothing more than hugging). then he left & another guy appeared who i somehow started making out with for a few hours until we got caught with his pants down - literally. bahaha!

meanwhile i hooked up with the drummer of a local punk band who was a SUPER trooper in bed. he drove me home & lost a bet over where the closest jack-in-the-box location so i got a full-body massage in return (mmmm strong arms). interesting to have a guy touching you all over that you haven't even kissed yet. of course it led to his clothes coming off as well. the most agressive sex i've had in awhile... refreshing to get rammed up against the bathroom wall in a fit of passion! he came three times within a couple hours but my poor body couldn't take it for any longer... i definitely think i have a latex allergy as the condoms were extremely irritating. oh well... it was fun despite the burning. didn't expect him to call me cause he seemed like just a player out for sex but he did yesterday so maybe i have found myself a new f*ck buddy...

2003-07-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

"vacation...out-of-office reply"

i'm enjoying my 5-day holiday weekend and trying to stay away from the computer altogether... i really need the break from it. so probably no posting for a few days. feel free to comment on anything you want... how about what you're up to this 4th july?!

2003-07-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

" think i set a personal record..."

i went THREE whole days without masturbating!!! my friend is staying with me & i just don't feel right about it when she's here... until earlier this morning when i really needed a pick-me up to get energy for the day.

so how often do YOU guys & girls masturbate? i usually do a couple times a day (assuming i have a working vibrator) but just curious about everyone else...

2003-06-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

"commitment issues..."

first drunken blurp: everyone seems to think we're at least 5-7 years younger than we are!! i LOVE it!!

well i've never been one to be 'commited' but just cause 'I' am not always faithful doesn't mean i don't value others' ability to do so. my best friend is visiting right now... she has a serious b'friend that she adores back home (who adores her back). i know she doesn't expect him to be the love of her life, but she cares about him now. well tonight she started kissing some random guy. tried to stop it because i know it's not right for HER.

this is so hypocritical cause i've done exactly the same thing... it's different though when it's YOU doing it - or is it? part of me is like, she's drunk - she doesn't know what she's doing... but the other is saying - she wouldn't think of it if there wasn't something wrong with her current relationship.... blah blah. do i have the right to stop her from cheating?

anyway i met a very cool guy tonight who is actually my age AND into the same punk music crap as me. got his # and plan to call. we even shared a quick smooch despite BF making me realize if i want something more with this guy, i can't bring him home. sigh... i SO wanted a guy to snuggle with tonight - instead i'm settling for a greasy sourdough jack.

2003-06-28T01:48:00.000-07:00

"tonight was my official 'organize your IE favorites' night..."

hey who needs a social life?!! you're like wtf, where did our slutty blogger go? apologies but i'm one of those antisocial freaks that needs my alone time to rejuvenate. my best friend from canada is coming to visit me tomorrow so i'm psyched for a crazy couple weeks ahead!

anyway i find it fascinating the links i add to my favorites... like really what am i thinking sometimes? this was one of the best links: tiny monkey cards. one of those do i delete or save? i filed it in 'odd junk' just in case cause they are very cute cards & i may want to buy one soon!! and another wacky site was strawberry shortcake (i was a diehard collector at age 9). so now the cache is empty, the cookies deleted.... aaaaahhh i feel oh-so-sqeaky-clean & organized!

2003-06-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

silly new blogger version... i changed my archive date format & now they appear to be bad links. argghhh....

screw this - it's FRIDAY & almost time to head out for happy hour drinks!!!

2003-06-27T01:46:00.000-07:00

i've had such a long day... finally just got home at 1:30am. got my hair highlighted & trimmed. she blow-dries it straight for me since i'm naturally curly. it's VERY blonde and sleek... so not me. i don't feel like me. i catch a glimpse of my reflection & see some kind of surreal alter-ego.

then i met up with my date. he looked so different than i recalled: 6'4" and VERY muscular. like mr. workout biff and had a wackyass bleach job on his hair. we went over a trendy lounge (actually the same one i went to last night with #1 - odd huh?) and drank yummy martinis.

he started as semi-cheezy but became more & more interesting over the course of the night. we discussed how we just wanted to meet lots of new people & didn't go to the speed-date to just find a relationship. his friend stopped by who was hilarious & they were quite entertaining. i love hanging around boys, especially when they shower you with compliments & attention. this guy & i had some eerie things in common & he started giving me that 'look'. you know that look... then he asked if he could kiss me. i said 'not in here' cause i felt uncomfortable. but i hugged him. he's a BIG guy & it's so cool to feel so little. was really weird tension going on & we all conversed about the issue of anal sex which only seemed to rile him up more.

i was getting tired so suggested he walk me to my car. then we kissed for abit. felt that flutter in my groins which i haven't had in awhile. this guy is sooooo not what i would ever expect to be attracted to but there's something intriguing about him.

2003-06-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

nothing too exciting going on... i went out with speed-dater #1 again. he's not so bad after all, gotta be less judgemental about people. and i think he's just happy to have someone to do things with. he didn't try to kiss me or anything which is cool for now. meanwhile i have a first date with speed-dater #2 tonight, who i seem to have alot in common with. plus i get my hair highlighted & straightened today so i'm excited.

a friend sent me this link which i find interesting: 10 reasons why he didn't call....

2003-06-24T02:24:00.000-07:00

"paradise hotel"

so did you guys succumb to weakness & watch the trashiest reality show yet? i finally saw it tonight & i'm hooked like a drug-addict.

i find it odd that 5 of the original 'players' are from arizona. and one of them, beau, is supposedly a dj on my fave radio station, the edge 103.9 (though i've never heard him on there before...). the yummiest boy on there is alex, cute & only 21. anyway who knew watching trashy bed-hopping smut could be SO fulfilling... can't wait for the next episode on wed!

2003-06-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

"i feel suffocated"

two reasons:
1) well one of the guys from speed-dating that i didn't reply to cause of several factors: his pickiness level was 0% which means he said yes to every single girl, his email seemed cut & pasted with no mention of my name, and his profile said he was divorced with kids (not that there's anything wrong with that but if i have the choice to avoid exwife/kid baggage, i will). so he sends another email today which which was quite wordy... eg: "Poor me, I sat by my computer day after day, night after night, but no reply to my email. I even called my internet service provider to make sure there was nothing wrong with my service. They assured me my service is working fine..." so now i feel obligated to at least reply and give him a chance.

2) and maybe i've watched the movie 'swingers' (amazingly clever film) WAY too many times but the whole issue of waiting 2-3 days to call seems appropriate to me, almost a rule. especially with someone you've just met. the guy i went out with last night doesn't agree... his aggressive follow-up since our date ended has included 2 phone calls and one email.

geez don't you boys realize this is overkill? you like the challenge of the chase and honestly so do some of us girls.

2003-06-23T00:14:00.000-07:00

"first dates...."

went out with one of the speed-dating guys tonight. he didn't look like he did the other night... kinda 80s-style preppy-geek. i had suggested sushi so we met at my favorite place but he obviously didn't let on that he had either never tried it or just plain hated it. he had 3 pieces total & gagged them down. poor guy. i felt so bad esp when he insisted on paying for everything.

then we went to a fun patio bar but i felt soooo out of place with him physically, even though he was the total gentleman who even made it obvious when he kept walking chivalric on the outside of the street (very refreshing cause i haven't been treated like such a girl since i lived in canada). there were so many hot my-type-of-guys around too. when he went to the bathroom, the cutest boy came over & was serenading me with 'the gambler'. eek how awkward.

left around 11 & he didn't even expect a kiss but we hugged. he wanted to make plans to see each other again & i was like uh yeah so we agreed to see a movie this week. then he called to make sure i got home safe. i feel overwhelmed... i really like him as a person but i don't want these romantic expectations. i always get myself in these situations cause i try to be too nice. guys, what should i say that's honest yet not mean?

2003-06-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

dirty whore is my new favorite idol...

so that guy i met online a few week ago, the butt guy who was gonna come up to meet me next weekend... i told him that i had been spending alot of time with my ex & didn't feel comfortable meeting him here. it's the TRUTH. i just don't want to deal with that now.

[updated] so 5 7 guys i matched with at speed-dating emailed me for dinner dates & i just feel overwhelmed. who knew my 'desirability' would be 84 85%. ~~8/9~~ 9/9 of the guys i chose a 'yes' to, said 'yes' to me. and another 14 said 'yes' that i said 'no' to. it's a disturbingingly big boost to my ego, but as much as i want to think guys like me for more than my looks, i don't think they do. i recall comments like 'oh you look like a famous person...' or 'your nose piercing is so attractive' or 'you have the prettiest eyes'. GAG. GAG. GAG. they are mostly white-bred conservative (can we say BORING) engineers that just want a serious relationship. everything i don't want.

ok boys do you realize i'm just wondering how big your dick is & if you'd be any good in bed? i'm gonna reply to a couple of them & hopefully i'll get the chance to f*ck their brains out on the first date. then we'll see how 'compatible' they are.... hehe

2003-06-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

ok i'm home on a friday night... i LIKE to be home. i thrive on my alone-time. i just watched 'just married' and gave myself a manicure...

now i'm watching this VH1 show called 'awesomely bad hair'. can you believe they produce a show by this name about celebrities' bad hair? and people like me WATCH it. it's quite amusing actually... they have fabio stating his opinion of christina aguilera and cher's various do's. like HE has the authority on prime hair real-estate. WTF?!!!

anyway it makes me want to do something new with my hair & since i have my big 3-hour highlighting appointment booked for this week, i need to do figure out something new & crazy. i plan to go darker auburn in the fall but it's summer, so i'd love to go as blonde as possible. what's the newest trend in color?

2003-06-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

"one big happy hollywood family..."

this is just weird...

"Moore and her leading men past (Willis) and present (Kutcher) turned heads Wednesday night as they arrived en masse to the premiere of Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle."
read the full story...

sure, i think it's awesome that demi is hot enough at 40 (go cougars!) to date a young studly boy like ashton but still....

2003-06-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

"ok the speed-dating scoop..."

you guys HAVE to try this out!! it was a totally fun, interesting experience!!! the one we chose was the 3-minute per guy, so it was totally quick... major adrenaline rush. but almost too quick cause when there was somone you were actually enjoying talking to, the bells rang & you just got cut off. but hey, i guess that's the point... make ya yearning for more.

i WAS impressed by the quality of guys there. most were over 30 with very stable jobs (can you say 'engineer'?) that seemed sincere about wanting to meet some cool girls. maybe i'm just not in that settle-down mindset yet but i wasn't physically attracted to any of them - majority were all very polo shirted, straight-laced schmoozy types. my perfect guy is more of a whimsical artsy/musician type... i started to get really annoyed with the small-talk routine: same questions over & over 'where are you from', 'what do you do', 'what are your hobbies'... blah blah. i started asking wacky things like 'what was the last illegal thing you've done' or 'what is your ultimate fantasy' but most of the guys were thrown off & returned to 'what part of the city do you live in'. BORING. a few guys did respond well & they made the cut. i ended up picking 9 guys as potentials ... out of like 27 i think. even though, none were really 'my type', i'm very anxious to see who picked me in return... their website holds all the answers!!

2003-06-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

"question-of-the-day?"

so last night after we did the speed-dating, we mingled around the club for awhile after. i was with my friend who is maybe 5'3", tiny size-0/2 frame, long straight blond hair... i overhear a guy talking to her and he says 'you're cute, but she's hot' (pointing to me). this irks me & distresses her... whole way home she drunkenly babbles about 'why am i always cute blah blah...?'

well you know... i've ALWAYS wanted to be 'cute', 'petite', 'tiny' etc. being the tall-curvy girl with big sex hair does have some advantages however most of the time, i'd love to look like the cute, naive & innocent one. i don't mean to sound conceited but i think i get treated differently because of the way i look - i've been told cause i have big wavy hair, full lips, etc, that i exude sexual energy... but do i WANT to give off this sexual 'use & abuse me' (although sometimes i don't mind) vibe, esp to complete strangers?!! ugh sometimes i'm just sick of it!! yes i sound like a spoiled brat & i know there are much worse things i could be complaining about - but hey, this is on my mind... i suppose the grass is always greener.

so would YOU guys and girls prefer to be considered 'cute' or 'hot'? and why?

2003-06-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

we did the speed-dating thing tonight... quite the night so will detail when i'm bright & refreshed in the am.

now i'm going to go fantasize about seducing the cute checkout boy from walmart... god he was like 16, very boyish face a la ryan phillipe with the sexiest voice. mmmm yummy...breaking out the jelly bullet vibrator for this one *wink wink*

2003-06-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

"haven't had much to say..."

got a bad migraine yesterday which put me out of commission. ugh. so unfair that i'm getting them again. used to get like hellish ones every month when i was a teenager. must be stress or something. i finally have decent meds to dull the pain once i get them (mmmmmmm fioricets), but i'm not sure how to actually PREVENT them. used to be triggered by hormones and certain foods but now i can't pinpoint the cause.

anyway, the young ex came over again last night. i'm so happy that we've ended up being able to stay friends without any expectations. meanwhile, i'm really worried about my friend who has been quite sick. i hope she's ok.

2003-06-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

"oh i so forgot..."

yes i'm babbling but i'm needing some luvin' and this online instant gratification is the best i can finagle right now. i suppose i 'could' go chat with those emode boys who keep emailing (honest i signed up SOLEY for the cool personality tests). so anyway i was checking my cell phone & saw this entry for an 'aaron' and was like "oh my god - who is this?" to BF, to which she was like "ah that was the boy you were totally kissing at the bar the other night... ya know, like the drummer boy?" then the fog lifted & i vaguely remembered. geez it's been like 5 days - should i call him or delete it?

2003-06-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

"i promise not to try not to f*ck with your mind..."

home fairly early from the eve 6 show & half-drunk... despite BF's insistence, i booty-called the young ex (he'd called earlier so i thought it excusable that i was just returning the call). well being the good guy he is (devoted to whoever he's dating... see i proved my theory wrong that there ARE honest loyal guys - or maybe he's just not into me anymore...) anyway, he said he needed to go to bed soon but we talked for about 20 minutes & he laughed that he'll likely be calling me in this same mood one of these nights. denied. sigh.

so i turn on the tv and watch johnny knoxville putting his fist up a cow's ass. yep. what could possibly be more fulfilling than that?

2003-06-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

"speed-dating..."

so my friends & i signed up to try the newest dating trend (well maybe it's not so new anymore but we haven't tried it yet)... we chose one where you meet 25 singles for 3 minutes each. looks like a speed-induced round of musical chairs to me... but i'm willing to give it a try even though i'm not looking for anything serious since i'm moving soon. it should be interesting to see what kind of people are there. could be desperate freaks & geeks but you never know - cause my friends & i are all fun, attractive, intelligent girls and WE are gonna do it.

stay tuned for details.... and feel free to share any of your own 'speed-dating' experiences.

2003-06-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

"why do we torture ourselves sometimes?!!"

i have so many cute little summer skirts that are still a tad too tight, despite my efforts at losing a few pounds. but today i swore i will just start wearing them anyway. what WAS i thinking? as i walked into the office, this one rode up so high that the top was almost touching the bottom of my bra & the hemline hiked up a few inches to expose waaaaay to much upper thigh. what a hoochie!! and now i'm sitting here with the waistband digging into my poor tummy. ugh.

what is the answer?! i know i wasn't the only sucker to attempt that stupid 'hollywood miracle diet' (a laxative juice fast - don't try it) but hey i work out lots, i eat fairly well, why can't i be a size f*cking 4?! i honestly have to drop like 5lbs within 10 days (my best friend is coming to visit & we'll be living by the pool & at the bars). i'm willing to do the no-starch or whatever will work diet at this point!! suggestions of something that will work or at least be a temporary fix?

2003-06-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

ok there will be NO more whiney feel-sorry-for-me posts.... at least not for a few days!!

so you know what i noticed? not a single male commented on the blog about clitoral piercings... wonder why? are they too turned on (or off) by them or just intimidated? come on boys! what's your honest opinion?

2003-06-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

"never assume... or you make an ass out of u and me"

so i totally forgot to blog that the guy 'j' i thought dissed me called the other night. i don't really get what is going on in his head but sounded like he was thinking i dissed HIM by not calling back. he made some comment about his being a 'drunken asshole'. kinda funny but who knows. anyway, he stopped by the bar we were at for about 1/2 hr by himself, not sure what his intention was...

on another note: i think sometimes people can sense when you need them. after i held my willpower to not go out with friends, my ex-boyfriend called (the young 22yr old one) cause he wanted to come over tonight to just watch tv & hang out. nothing sexual, just sweetness. it was exactly what i needed. i miss that boy...

2003-06-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

"feeling particularly dirrrrty right now. physically and emotionally."

blech. i so should not have gotten together with my friend 'm' last night. i'm not a bad person. i know deep down i'm not but when did i become such a selfish bitter girl?

the dialogue running through my head is so 'gollum'...

me1: you're an evil person for sleeping with your guy friend who has a girlfriend
me2: no i didn't do anything wrong. it's not like he's married.
me1: you should have recognized the situation wasn't right & had some willpower to not let it go as far as it did.
me2: HE was the one who made the choice to cheat. he has the issues with his g'friend, not me.
me1: don't you respect yourself or your friend enough to not create unnecessary drama for all parties involved?
me2: nooone can be trusted to be loyal in relationships anyway - what's the big deal?
me1: think about how hurt you would feel if it was you being cheated on
me2: my ex-longterm-boyfriend, who i thought would never wrong me, DID cheat on me and i have just come to expect that every future one probably will as well

i don't think i've ever really had alot of faith in people's loyalty and i definitely don't trust people. so i guess that would explain why i think i can go around doing shit that is potentially hurting people. i've been cheated on, deserted, and overall just been treated like shit so my defense-mechanism has evolved into just looking out for myself since i don't believe any one else really cares. ewwww that sounds so pitiful. i KNOW people like my family & good friends care. but when it comes down to it, noone is going to take care of me except for ME. hence why i do what i like regardless of the consequences. *sigh*

what do you think? do you really believe that it's possible to be faithful yourself while having complete trust that your partner is committed to only you as well?

2003-06-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

"and 50 becomes 51..."

oh my... last night we all went out with some friends who were in town visiting. one of them was this guy i've been attracted to for awhile... but he has a girlfriend & i usually respect those boundaries. even though a few months ago, i drunkenly told him i thought he was hot blah blah.

well after a few saki bombers, he pulls me aside last night to say he'd always liked me and was upset when i dated his friend instead of him. wtf? news to me... anyway he said things with the girl were basically over (likely story) and next thing i know we're in a cab to my apt. where did everyone else go? did i desert BF?

was interesting though cause the sex wasn't great. he was too passive and something just didn't mesh. see this is why one MUST have sex with many partners - to be able to find out what you need sexually. i wonder if i was actually in love with someone, if i honestly wouldn't care about the size of a penis or how exciting he was in bed...

now i just need some greasy mcdonalds breakfast to get over this hangover... we're 2 hours late for work. DAMN.

2003-06-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

"pierce me, pierce me"

just watched 'the social history of piercing' on mtv & now i'm itching to get something new done. i have a few already... tongue, nose, belly button, and of course several on the ears. what could i do next? my one friend got her clitoral hood pierced & loves it but i'm nervous about screwing with that delicate an area... i guess nipples would be the next logical choice but my ex-boyfriend had one & things constantly irritated it.

any of you girls have these done & if so, do they really make any difference sexually? and what do you males think of girls with these types of piercings? are they a turn-on or do they creep you out?

2003-06-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

"mwahahaha!"

"carnie wilson. after dropping 150 pounds, she's posing for playboy. guess she just likes getting staples in her stomach."
~ jim mullen's hot sheet (Entertainment Weekly)

2003-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

"give ozzy more laughing gas..."

did anyone just watch the new episode of 'the osbournes' when ozzy goes to the dentist and keeps asking for more nitrous oxide?!! he kept saying he couldn't feel it.... uh-huh - likely story coming from a drug/alcohol addict. it cracked me up!!!

how come i've never gotten laughing gas when i've had major work done? instead i get like 8 needles of f*cking novocaine which does nothing & they end up pumping my roots with adrenaline. actually, i don't mind the adrenaline shots at all - pharmaceutical speed at its finest (the endodontist confirmed this). and please refill those percocets please. yummy.... ahhhhh all better.

2003-06-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

"meet mr extremely well-endowed... aka #50"

so we went camping this past weekend - was extremely HOT but we had a good time. i've always associated camping with partying since that's what we did during high school... but around here it seems to be mostly families and not alot of young crazies around. there were a few guys around our campsite who eventually meanered over to chat. i ended up hooking up with one of them - a high-school dropout construction worker. not that there is anything wrong with that but he doesn't even have an email address. haha soooooo below even MY standards. but whatever he was nice enough & had a good tanned body...

so at like 1am, we went down to the rocks on the beach & chatted for abit then ended up having sex right there. pretty crazy as there was a big group of german tourists behind us who could likely see everything but europeans are pretty open to sex & i'll never see them again anyway. then we were gonna go skinny dipping but for some reason, we didn't make it that far. ended up in his truck cause he didn't even have a tent. i'm not usually a pot-smoker but he had some chronic weed that smelled pretty damn good. he smoked it & blew it in my mouth. how utterly classy huh? then we screwed around in his truck for a couple hours. at one point i was sitting on him in the drivers seat when my butt hit the horn. VERY amusing esp when the whole campsite is sleeping.

so this guy had a HUGE penis. bigger than i think anyone i've ever been with. for the first time in my life, i couldn't have him enter all the way in without pain. as fascinating as a big dick is, i think i prefer average size. anyway we had to stop cause i couldn't take it anymore but with various creative techniques, he climaxed. cum everywhere including in my hair which creeps me out. we crashed until i awoke sitting in the passenger seat naked with only a small blanket covering me. had to do the 'walk-of-shame' back to my tent then to the shower to clean up. the things a girl has to deal with to get a little action....

2003-06-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

"i just adore this song..."

when routine bites hard, and ambitions are low
and resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow
and we're changing our ways, taking different roads
then love, love will tear us apart again

why is the bedroom so cold? you've turned away on your side
is my timing that flawed - our respect run so dry?
yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives
love, love will tear us apart again

you cry out in your sleep - all my failings expose
there's a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold
just that something so good just can't function no more
when love, love will tear us apart again
~ joy division

reminds me of being a moody teenager sitting in my room wearing all black pining over the one guy, who to this day i can't seem to get out of my head. i adored him since i met him the summer i was 15. i'd like him, then he'd like me but i'd be with someone else, etc. we've kept in touch off/on over the years and slept together for the first time 4 years ago and almost did again when i was back visiting a few months ago.

how can one get COMPLETION with this kind of situation? i'm moving to the same city he lives in soon so it should be interesting if we remain good friends or what. in my heart, i'd love to end up being in a committed relationship with him because i feel an emotional bond & trust him because he knows the 'real' me. plus he's the ONLY loyal male in my life who hasn't deserted me in one way or another.

2003-06-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

"another notch in the bedpost..."

ok i need to update my official 'number' of sexual partners....hit the big 50 at about 2am this morning. can you believe it? entering into a whole new realm of slutdom now. will be celebrating with a quiet evening of chinese takeout. i'll give you the full juicy scoop later ;)

2003-06-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

i'm off for a weekend of camping & partying it up... hopefully there will be some hot guys around to flirt with. see y'all monday!

2003-06-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

did you guys check out the MTV movie awards last night?!! i thought the intro piece was just FABULOUSLY entertaining!! kudos to the editing team on that one! my poor keanu... he take so much abuse.