"so long, farewell..."

something has changed in me over the course of the weekend. a sort of wake-up call but it isn't just one thing. this may sound wacky but it feels like a bubble has been growing around me - almost like an aura of warmth. it feels safe - like i'm getting a huge spiritual hug.

i feel an overwhelming sense of love. it is in me and all around me. all these years, i think i've been too selfish, spoiled and scared to feel it. love is the sheer panic i felt when my best friend came home to find her 2 dogs had broken out of her yard and were missing. love is my mother nagging me about taking out my tongue piercing. love is connecting with an old boyfriend i adore and realizing he cares about me regardless of my age or weight or sex. love is me being able to stand up for my values and block out the negative influences trying to weaken me. love is looking into the mirror and honestly being proud of who i am.

i'm often told i don't give myself enough credit... well you know. i don't. i know i'm a wonderful, confident and strong person but obviously there must be something missing in me that forces me to fill my needs with meaningless sex. i don't want to do it anymore.

the last few years i've been reckless in so many ways that are not only unfulfilling and a waste of time, but are potentially dangerous to myself and others. i've abused food. i've abused alcohol. i've abused money. and now i abuse sex. f*cking instant gratification. things like an explosive orgasm or consuming a box of decadent cookies may make me happy in the moment but they do not contribute to my 'happiness'.

i can admit right now that it is all to protect myself. from feeling love. because with love comes hurt. and i've ran from that my whole life. no more. i'm ready to feel the pain lurking deep inside me. digging it up is the only way i'm going to heal and be the person i really want to be.

so with that said, this red-headed slut is retiring. thank you all for the good times & support but it's time for me to move on.
xoxo

well i finally got the guts tonight to tell 'boy toy' that i didn't think we should sleep together anymore. i just insinuated that i've been getting more serious with someone else and didn't feel right having multiple partners. the irony huh? he's like 'you have my #'. so much for one last big bang... wasn't worth the effort. he was just creeping me out too much with his nonstop calling.

meanwhile i haven't even had a chance to try out those condoms... i've been fighting the flu and have been so preoccupied dealing with moving issues. part of me was ready to just sell all my furniture but i did the figures and it's cheaper to move it then replace it all. not much though... why does it cost SO much to get a moving company? it's like $2500 phoenix to vancouver! so i'm torn between a Uhaul (which requires someone to drive it for me which i don't have) and a company i found where you load/unload the truck but they drive it - called ABF U-Pack - anyone have any experience with them?

i love this quote - it's from one of my new favorite trash tv shows 'nip/tuck' (think extreme makeovers meets melrose place'):

"for every beautiful perfect woman out there,
there is a guy who's tired of screwing her"

"thou shalt not shop at target at lunch... "

waaay too much fun with all the cute clothes they have right now... but i DID finally purchase some of those polyurethane condoms you guys suggested trying out. my latex supply has FINALLY been used up so i figured i'll give them a shot (literally!). the ones i bought are called 'trojan supra' - they seem alot more expensive than the regular ones though ($3.59 for THREE!). i'll let you know what i think of them!

"you know you're a slut when..."

you go out to see a f*ck buddy's band play with a group of friends... and you realize you've also had sex with all the guys you're there with.

although i like that i can be friends with ex-flings, things were a little weird last night. it was the first time i've partied with ex-b'friend (22yr old - together 4 months last year) in a long time and i think we would've hooked up again if i didn't get so drunk. stupidly we both said we loved each other... and honestly i do love him as a person - he's a great guy but just needs about 5 years on him.

"my 3 guys in rotation..."

this is the longest i've consistently been able to maintain regular sex without being in a 'relationship'. it's working out quite well... but it's gonna be weird when it all just ends in 6 weeks. i'll have to start all over again... so i'm thinking i either need to phase one or more of them out. should i? which one should go? here's a summary:

"boy toy"- he's kinda a freak and has been obsessively calling me like 3-4 times/day. he always has some drama going on and needs to be 'close' to someone. he has his g'friend but only sees her on the weekends and has one other girl he sleeps with like me. i think i'm close to ending things with him just cause it's too much effort but the sex is great. he's definitely the best sexually of the 3 cause he has a huge dick and is all kissy & affectionate.

"football guy" - he's the boyfriend-y one. he treats me like gold. sexually i'm not that into him but i really like him as a person. he knows where he stands in that i don't want anything serious since i'm leaving soon but he still seems to be planning some future. get this - he asked if i'd be able to go on a cruise with him (his company is sending their office on one). i was like 'woah - i told you i don't want to do the long distance thing. who knows, i might have a boyfriend or something' . he didn't say much. i think he has this fantasy that i'm his perfect girl...

"drummer boy" - i think overall, i like him the best. he doesn't expect anything and i'm the most attracted to him. i could suck his cock for hours. we haven't been f*cking as often but when we do, it's always a good time. went to see his band play this weekend & it was interesting to see him in a social environment. he keeps saying i'm the only person he's sleeping with but i met this girl who knew them and she was going on about what a 'player' he is. i don't really care if he is cause i'm just as bad but the no condom thing is my concern.

anyway, so what do you guys think? should i just keep enjoying them all? between them, i get all my needs met. see this is why i need to find an 'open' relationship eventually.

i just watched the latest 'newlyweds' and my lord, i feel sorry for that nick guy. he's married to the whiniest dumbest chick (ie jessica simpson)! what was he thinking? he's so sweet & patient but i'd have shot her by now if i were him. listen guys - not all girls are pouty manipulative brats.

meanwhile i have so much to blog about, i just haven't had a chance to really sit down & catch up on my recent activities. soon.

i need to find a cheap web-hosting package (not more than $20/month) - all i really care about is that i need at least 100MB storage. any good recommendations?

"what REALLY happens at bachelor parties?"

a good friend is getting married next month & her husband-to-be just had his bachelor party in vegas. she hasn't talked to him since he left friday & she is very distraught as she'd heard they were attempting to have the craziness of the movie 'very bad things' (let's hope without the murder). she's freaking out that he cheated with a stripper cause they had some private room for him and now she doesn't even want to touch him cause she thinks he's 'dirty'.

so i've been thinking about this all day... i don't really think he would cheat on her but i know how 'i' get, let alone how guys get with there's drugs, alcohol and the pressure of friends around them. so my question to you married (or divorced) males, how many of you actually DID cheat or get some kind of sexual pleasure at your bachelor party? if you did, i would assume you wouldn't tell your fiancee... but what if you knew your wife slept with a different guy on HER bachelorette party?

"ugh i've had such a draining week..."

i don't know where time goes anymore. boy toy came over last night - he's an odd one... he's all for setting the mood. he brought an enigma cd and even gave me an amazing massage! doesn't he realize he doesn't HAVE to be all romantic for me to f*ck him? but i don't mind at all!

and i experienced my first obvious female ejaculation! it was so crazy! he was doing this intense thing with his fingers while giving me oral... he's got some good skills despite his youth. but there's some things he wasn't aware of - like the issue of pubic hair trimming. i had brought up its' necessity last week - lo & behold he was so proud to show me his work of art. lol it's still not short enough for my taste but it's a start. i'm also trying to get him to be more vocal cause he he's super quiet & i can never tell when he's coming. drives me nuts. i think it's a turn-on when they're groaning & quivering as they orgasm. if i haven't already climaxed, hearing & feeling the tension usually brings me over the edge.

btw, has anyone seen the red hot chilli peppers live? i'm debating if it's worth going or not...

"the best phone sex evah"

so you know how i was talking earlier about ex-flings... well here's another: this guy i slept with back in canada last year (it was intense sex) & i have kept in touch via instant messenging - cyber flirting off and on between relationships. lately we've been getting more & more horny for each other and tonight he called me.

we talked for an hour skirting around the idea of phone sex. i'm not really shy about being vocal with some guys but we both felt a little awkward about it. so we kinda talked about what we'll do to each other when we meet up at christmas but then we got giggly & just said goodnight. about 10 minutes later, he called back saying that we really should 'finish ourselves off'. so here i am at almost 3am, in the afterglow of the most amazing phone sex orgasms (yes TWO) i've ever had.

geez when it rains, it pours. i really think there must be a vibe i'm sending off to males that i am available and as horny as hell. i've never received so much sexual attention as i have the last few months. maybe it's this blog and the fact that i'm now feeling completely open and at peace with my own intense sexuality... since i've began red-headed slut, i've discovered so many other people like me and i no longer feel any shame for living the vicarious sex life i chose to have. what a wonderful enlightenment! thanks everyone :)

don't you find it interesting when you suddenly hear from an ex-fling? reminds me of high fidelity... when we go through breakups & find ourselves alone, we end up re-evaluating past relationships. geez what are we thinking? as if things would be different... people don't change.

boy toy just called seemingly quite upset. said he had a bad night & asked if he could come over. i just need a night alone in my bed to have a decent sleep so said it wasn't a good idea tonight. he said he doesn't want to have sex but just needs to lay next to someone because he feels like he's 'drowning' but didn't want to discuss it. i felt so bad saying no to him cause he was almost in tears. i've only known him ONE WEEK though and it appears he's taking our fling a little too serious. i don't feel it's my responsibility to deal with his problems, i've got my own life to deal with. blech... am i being insensitive?

"my name is red-headed slut & i am a sexaholic"

some people binge on food. some on alcohol. well this weekend, i binged on sex. i literally feel like my eyes are still rolling around in esctasy and my body is tingling from the aftershocks. ahhhhhh... who needs drugs when you can feel like this?!

anyway i had a wonderful saturday with football guy. went to the baseball with him & a couple of his friends. as usual i feel most at home hanging with guys drinking beer. he is a really sweet guy & treats me like i'm a queen. he had a barbecue at his house & i met a few of his friends. super fun time - he's just one of those guys who really wants to take care of a girl. we stayed up super late talking & then ended up in his bed, where you can guess what happened next. then the next day we lounged in his bed till late afternoon alternating eating, sleeping & f*cking. i feel like i've known him forever and he is SO boyfriend material. i'm not totally attracted to his face but we have some kind of vibe together. he knows i'm moving soon but wants to hang out until i do so we'll just enjoy it.

drummer boy wanted to hang out sunday night but i just couldn't do it. sleeping with 3 different guys in 3 days is pushing it, even for me. then yesterday i went out with one of my best gay friends for sushi then ended up at an irish pub with all his friends. the boy toy called cause he just got back from visiting his supposed girlfriend & wanted to come party with us. the gay guys loved him! then we were up till 4am f*cking. my poor neighbors.... my headboard was banging bigtime against the wall. if if they didn't hear it last night, i'm sure they heard us this morning. oh well... it's kinda funny. so now i need a few days to recover again.